Lean on... others

There are days where it sweeps over me like the fog that rolls over the hills in San Francisco slowly devouring the landscape. Gratitude. It should be a positive feeling – but at times for me it’s a heavy feeling. It’s so heavy that it pushes my shoulders down planting my feet firmer on the ground feeling as if I can’t move. My brain glosses over, my throat seems to tighten and swell and I swallow hard hoping to swallow away the tears. The feeling of gratitude sweeps over me often – and most times I feel like it has no where to go – it just sits in my body and mind making it a lump – a lump who is unable to express out the feelings that are rushing through it and ultimately leaving me strangely dissatisfied.

As I stood at the bus stop this morning in Berlin with my backpacks weighing down on me – I felt even heavier as gratitude took over my body. Strangely I’m sad – sad because I wonder if I can ever be able to give back to all of those who I have immense gratitude for. It’s these times when my life feels extremely uneven – it’s these times where I feel like I take, take, take all of the goodness people have to offer me – and I have no way to give back – that’s why the gratitude feels like a weight to me at times.

The only way I know to give the heaviness of gratitude a way out of my body is to write. Expressing gratitude in words at this keyboard is all I can really do.

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